By following these 5 rules, there’s no way anyone will know it’s not your first language.

1. Always mumble. Never raise your voice. And, if you are mad, mumble furiously.

The less volume you use while speaking, the better. Make them lean in and really wonder what you’re actually talking about.

2. Words too long? Just drop the last syllable.

The letter H? That sound doesn’t exist. Don’t say the letter T unless there’s an E after it. There are many rules to remember but, if you find yourself hesitating, you probably don’t even have to pronounce it at all. 

3. Talk as fast as you can.

The faster, the Frencher. Blend your words together until they sound like one big jumble. And if you can do that as well as mumble, you’ve mastered the double whammy.

4. Disregard personal space.

Personal space? What is personal space? Make that eye contact and never look away. If you back the other person into a wall and they have to think “why are they so close to me??,” you’re doing it right.

5. Switch “um” for “euh.” 

The moment you let one “ummmmm” slip through while thinking of that word you want to use, you’re done for. Poof. The illusion is gone. Congratulations! You have been labeled as a foreigner.

The French like to use donc, hein, and en fait. Hein is also really hard to hear if you aren’t ready for it. Remember, those Hs don’t exist.